The last few days have brought tens of tens of articles, podcasts, and projections from leagues, players, and wannabe’s like Gonad. The tournament is finally here just three short days away, and after much though and consideration I am finally making my projections. The past few week’s I have created spreadsheets’, collected player’s DNA from the hair I stole last season, and even hired private investigators to follow every player of every team to finally come up with the ultimate formula to predict the exact happenings of the 2017 Tournament. So we begin!!!!!
#16: (0-5) BWACS
The biggest talk of the state of Illinois is it could be the first state to go bankrupt. This state gives the middle east a run for its money in murders. Add the insane property taxes and it is no wonder everyone decent in Illinois has been fleeing to Indiana in rapid groups to get away from the absolute chaos going on. This describes the Lot Lizards franchise as a whole, soon they will be fleeing to GBL, LWA, and shit even ORWBL just to be a part of some actual talent.
#15: (2-2-1) HFWB
I remember it like it was yesterday, tensions flaring, veins popping as Brian Kelly called the Legends of Leroy “fucking scrubs” on route to a 3-1 ass pounding in the opening game of double elimination last season. This season Jimmy Cole stole half his team and with only four people they will run out of gas and lose both DE games. Then one of the four players will say I’m leaving and they will have to forfeit their matchup against Ridley Park in Dangerfield.
#14 (0-5) RPWL
This team is showing up in a fucking tank. With $800 worth of gas raised by a GoFundMe page they also will leave the tank running the whole weekend for any visitors interested in taking it for a test drive. They will then head out west Sunday morning on a trip to California to make sure they use every dime of that gas money. Great passion beating a Huntington team that couldn’t throw strikes. Congrats, you won’t win in Morenci.
#13 (1-4) MNWA
The committee once again fixed regionals to allow MNWA back into the tournament. I mean what would we do without the Jersey rankings. Can I get a BEAH on that! The positives, they will win Dangerfield. I think this team will be the most impacted by Chris Galloway leaving, they loved the glamour and glitz. With all the focus on actual gameplay now, it could be a setback driving all the way from Minnesota.
#12 (1-5) BWBL
This squad has a tough bracket. If I knew anyone on this team I would care, but I don’t. Basically they have a guy named Doug Novitski and everyone jokes about Dirk Nowitski like that’s somehow funny. They have a new guy named Chris Fuckher who might be nicknamed Mr. Steal Your Girl. A last name like that could get you 3 tinder dates a night without even adding a bio. They have a beautiful field, and a shitty team. It is what it is.
#11 (2-4) GBL
The GBL Dangerzone gets a top 11 finish under new manager Tyler Walk. I’m not going to talk about the stupid balls they use that they claim make them feel like they are playing baseball. I mean why play baseball when you can play wiffle ball to make it feel like we are playing baseball. Listen I’m going to say something not many people know about me. I was born and raised in Griffith, Indiana, lived their 19 years. Almost every day someone asks me why I left the town I used to call home and I always said it was traffic. In reality, it was because of the GBL. Year after year this team under achieved forcing me to wear a paper bag out of the house everywhere I went. I had to create my own, I had to get away, so I did. Thank you GBL for forcing me to leave my family and never see them again.
#10 (3-3) WILL
If I talked about them as long as Mike talked on my interview on TW5, this section would be over already. A lot of people are talking about WILL saying they could be the next Leroy and maybe even perform better. Let me give you some advice, you won’t. This league is like the hot girl who transferred to your school that you see for the first time. You think this chick is everything you wanted, great hitting, fresh meat, and great arms. The reality is she’s a bitch who peaked in high school and ends up being a one and done that you occasionally talk about when your 10 beers deep with your buddies at the local dive.
#9 (3-3) HRL
Question: Is HRL the most over rated team ever. Answer: Yes. Question: Am I sour that Carl cornholed me on TWD after giving truck a 5-0 win in trivia when his answer was clearly wrong. Answer: Yes. The is the greatest league in the nation, the team is not. My man Brett Detmar no hit HRL last year sending HRL back to Minnesota so they could host another regional that no outside of Minnesota wanted to go to. I think the committee should consider having a Minnesota Tournament every year with only the winner getting a spot in Morenci.
#8 (2-5) PWL
At what point does Jack Shannon realize that the only time they will win is when he is pitching. He’s getting flown in via private jet, which will still be cheaper in fuel than the tank driven by RPWL by the way, just so PWL can win 2 games. All in all I am glad he will make it so we can get another all mighty Wiffle article after the tournament that guys like Trent, Gonad, and Justin can have material for their weekly skype jerk circle.
#7 (5-3) KWL
The lack of trash talk and overall interaction on twitter from this league is a disgrace. All the historians tell me of the great Brett Meyers who could make your grandma cry with his ability to get into your soul. I don’t like this Mr. Nice guy attitude from the new KWL, it just doesn’t translate. I want to see Mike Hogan go after a spectator this weekend and Leg Drop the shit out of everyone. Oh yes that was a wrestling connection, I wonder if any teams in this tournament relate to wrestling at all…. Hmmm… oh that’s right shout out to Artim for not playing this year. If we had an award for making everyone believe you guys would win it all on Twitter and not even qualify, you for sure won that.
#6 (4-4) AWAA
The purple cobras are led by my fav Jimmy Cole. My relationship started when me him and Chris Roeder from SWBL single handily walked into OCWA and shit on everyone who even looked at us in a somewhat challenging way. The eskimo brothers took home no trophy and some 20’s mixed in with a few crunchy singles and proved that no matter what league your from you can win in OCWA. Since then Jimmy has continued his dominance destroying Diamond Park going 4-0 with two hernias during regionals. He looks to take it up a notch this year by having Chris remove numerous organs right before Nationals just so he can let everyone know he’s not 100%.
#5 (5-3) TBW
This team reminds me of the local biker gang. Never talked to them, but they make a noise every year that you can’t ignore. The biggest key is their love for riding Harley’s. Nothing gets Linderman going then lacing up the tight leather gloves and riding his boys to another top finish. By the way I am bringing ORWBL guys so you can talk to shit to their face this weekend.
#4 (6-2) SWBL
All you hear about his Skippy this, Skippy that. Brand new logos, field of the year, Bogad is the greatest. I remember when I used to love the SWBL back in the good ole days till 2016 came around and they complained they weren’t given enough attention for their heroic 2nd place finish. If you are not first or seventh, your last. Besides all this I still want to point out Gus is my hero, even though he won’t accept my friend request on snapchat, facebook, Instagram, tumbler, linkedin, twitter, flickr, pinterest, reddit, myspace, or xanga.
#3 (6-2) WSEM
I am surprised I have them this high. Stephen Farvekas came out of retirement for the fifth time after he and Chandler final agreed to let him bat. I gave this team a cake walk last year throwing my game against them and they still couldn’t get it done. I have to watch what I say due to the pending contractual agreement I have with the TWD network, but just like the show Calling your shot, this team doesn’t have a chance.
#2 (7-2-1) OCWA
This is another dick swinging team that acts like they can talk a big game because they won a Championship. Last time I checked it isn’t 2016, we have spinners now you old geezer bitches. Justin and his posse love talking about the past and the history of the sport and you know what good for them. I’m excited to be a part of the only thing Justin is going to win this weekend which is the 2017 All Star game. Also, I would like to remind everyone how much Justin does for this tournament. You should all be thankful because if it wasn’t for him you would all be eating rice three meals a day and walking five miles to drink some water. Congrats on finishing 2nd this year guys.
#1 (7-1) LWA
You heard it hear first, the Legends will take home the ship this year. You know why cause I’m never wrong. If you think we were talked about a lot finishing 7th just wait till I can make meme’s of me doing shit with that trophy all year. Every dumbass who gave projections said we would take a step back this year, let me Trump you by saying. Wrong. The Trump Train ran through hilary’s emails, bill’s hookers, and every feminist last year and you can bet your ass the Leroy Train will follow suit.
So that’s it. The next picture shows how I made these genius picks. I used random number generator to decide the pool play games, and used my excellent expertise to determine where all you clowns will finish. It’s been fun, and everyone bring your best this weekend so we don’t hear no excuses when the locomotive comes howling through.